Pan-jitsu

[In honor of my great-grandmother, who tried to bequeath her cast-iron frying pan to my mother expressly as a weapon.]

J. Pilcrow and D. Fleuron (eds.), Historical and Critical Perspectives on the Neglected Women’s Martial Art of Pan-Fighting: Proceedings of the First International Symposium of the Association for Pan-Fighting Studies, Endower Institute Press, 2008, 25pp., $45.00 (hbk), ISBN 01123581321345589144.

Panhandle: The Dawn of Pan-Fighting in New Kingdom Egypt, Asta Faience.

Panic: Pan-Fighting in the Classical World, S. P. Quiller-Round.

Traveling Pan: The Frying Pan on the Silk Road, T. Kent.

Pan Demonium: The Suppression of Pan-Fighting, 1100–1400, C. N. Bacon.

Scramble and Coagula: Pan-Fighting as Alchemical Metaphor, Al Chocodon.

The Flat of the Blade: Pan-Fighting as Metaphor in the Medieval Fechtbuch, Alber vom Tag.

“Fried” or “Flattened:” Revisiting the Rolling Pin Debate, Mann van Dough.

A Flash in the Pan: Underground Pan-Fighting in Early Modern Europe, Martina Scriblerus.

Casting Iron: Pan-Fighting in Song Dynasty China, Hill Barton.

Flipping the Pan: Pan-Fighting in Japanese History, Usagi Tsukino.

Citizen Crêpe: The Pan-Fighters of Paris in the French Revolution, Scarlet Orczy.

Fires and Frying Pans: “Pan-jitsu” in Nineteenth Century Europe, E. W. Barton-Wright.

Panning for Gold: Pan-Fighters on the American Frontier, Clementine Darling.

Pan Left: Pan Fighting in Silent and Pre-Code Hollywood, Alan Smithee.

Panzer: Pan Fighters of the Résistance, William Martin.

Pan and Scan: Pan-Fighting in Contemporary Film, A. Gaffer.

Panstand: Pan-Fighting in American Youth Culture, Susan Cue.

Panman: Pan-Fighting in the Arcade Video Game, F. P. Shooter.

Pandom: Pan-Fighting Communities Online From BBS Through Facebook, A.T.N. Baud.

Financial Innovation

“Why on earth would I want to put more money in a fund now?” he asked the cold caller.

“Qwant isn’t just any fund. We’ve been working with MontéBank to solve the credit crisis.”

“How are you going to do that?”

“We’ve had a team of top minds from the Endower Institute working on the problem for months. They’ve developed a completely new securitization model – the LBS. It’s a drop-in replacement for the MBS. Nobody else know how to do this yet – this is opportunity knocking.”

“An MBS, that’s a…”

“Mortgage-backed security. The LBS is completely different – it’s a whole new way of thinking about the problem. None of the downsides of the MBS.”

“No risk of homeowners defaulting, you mean?”

“None at all – returns are guaranteed with volume. This has nothing to do with homeowners. It’s a sure thing.”

“So there’s no debt involved?”

“Oh, well, yeah, sure it’s a securitized debt – but there’s no risk of default.”

“How does that work?”

“Well, I don’t want to get into the mathematics, but you can trust me on this one. We’re all smart people here.”

“But just how does it work?”

“Well, sure, I could give you a lecture, but this thing is hot – it’s moving – and I’ve got a lot of calls to make, so are you in or out?”

“What’s you name?”

“Ben.”

“Well, Ben, I just have a few questions. LBS – that’s a something-backed security, right?”

“Right.”

“So what’s the L stand for?”

“You want me to put it in a nutshell for you?”

“Yes.”

“It’s like a microloan.”

“So it’s for developing nations?”

“No, no. This is all domestic.”

“So what are the microloans for?”

“OK.” Cough. “These micro-loans are made to eligible parties throughout the country in order to purchase diverse kinds of government debt instruments.”

“You mean Treasuries?”

“No – Treasuries are no way to get rich.”

“What kind of bond then?”

“No. Bonds are old hat. We’re breaking new ground here.”

“Can you just explain it to me?”

“OK.” Cough. “We deploy advanced computer modeling on complex statistical data sets to ensure a high overall rate of return.”

“Statistical? What kind of government debt is statistical?”

“Well, there’s always ratios of risk and return to be calculated for any investment.”

“So… this is some kind of investment with a high – what’s it called – beta?”

“Yes. A great beta. Almost completely uncorrelated with the stock market.”

“But it follows interest rates.”

“It’s uncorrelated with those too. This is a total market-beater.”

“It’s not interest-bearing?”

“This is independent of the Fed.”

“What the hell is it?”

“It’s the future, and you’ve got the chance to get in on the ground floor. Now I think I’ve explained this to you pretty thoroughly. I’m going to need your decision or I’ll have to move on.”

“Government debt… no interest… statistical… microloans – you can’t be—”

“Don’t be small-minded, sir. The numbers are good. There’s always a payout, and we always get our cut.”

“I don’t care about the math. I’m not putting money into that.”

“Look, don’t be afraid of a name. Sure, I can say ‘lottery-backed security,’ but what matters—”

Click.

The Fifth Proposition; or, The Bridge of Asses. A Love Story by Euclid.

“I glanced over it,” said he. “Honestly, I cannot congratulate you upon it. Detection is, or ought to be, an exact science and should be treated in the same cold and unemotional manner. You have attempted to tinge it with romanticism, which produces much the same effect as if you worked a love-story or an elopement into the fifth proposition of Euclid.”

– The Sign of the Four.

Let ABC be a love triangle having the side AB equally strong as the side AC; and let the unlived lives BD, CE be prolonged in a straight line with AB, AC.

I say that the agony of ABC is equal to the agony of ACB, and the anticipation of CBD to the anticipation of BCE.

Let a point F be made at random against BD; from AE the greater let AG be cut off at AF the lesser’s level; and let the straight lines FC, GB be joined at cross-purposes.

Then, since AF is no better than AG and AB than AC, the two sides FA, AC are just as bad as the two sides GA, AB, respectively.

Therefore the base FC is as committed as the base GB, and the triangle AFC is a lot like the triangle AGB, and the remaining answers will sound just like the remaining excuses and explanations, namely those which are all alike; that is, the angle ACF sounds just like the angle ABG, and the angle AFC acts like the angle AGB, and since the whole AF is just a whole other AG, and in this AB can be hard to tell from AC, the prospects of BF are the same as the prospects of CG.

But FC also proved as reliable as GB; therefore the two sides BF, FC, give nothing to choose between with the two sides CG, GB respectively; and the corner BFC is as close as the corner CGB; while at BC they all want the same thing; therefore the triangle BFC is also as acceptable as the triangle CGB, and the remaining anxieties will be equal to the remaining uncertainties respectively, namely those which the equal sides inspire; therefore FBC angles the same way as GCB, and BCF’s angle is the same as CBG’s.

Accordingly, since the whole angle ABG was proved as equivocal as the angle ACF, and in this the angle CBG is as confining as the angle BCF, the remaining angle ABG is the same from all angles as ACB; and they are, at base, still the triangle ABC.

But the angle FBC was proved at cross-purposes with angle CGB; and they are both asses.

Therefore: no to both.

Q.E.D.