The Ruricolist is now available in print.

High Concept

Listen up, you want to hear this one.
This guy, the prince, he’s not the prince at all,
But no one knows the truth, not even his mom.
The shark could shape-shift, see, and when they did
The deed, the shark had morphed into the king.
The shark? Oh yeah. You heard me right. The shark.
You see this shark has been sent back in time
This shark’s a killing machine, a real machine
I mean it, he’s a cyborg shark that talks
And changes shape, but I told you that before.
This guy, the prince, he’s got no luck with girls
He’s kinda weird, he eats his forks and knives
And for a gag he’ll crawl under the table
With the dangling legs – we’ll quote the theme from Jaws.
And he just can’t sit still, he’s fidgety
’Cause he’s part shark, he’s always got to move.
But what’s the big idea? I’m glad you asked.
This guy, he wants to be the king someday
But he can’t be king unless he’s got a wife.
So there’s this girl the king wants him to wed
A princess too, we’ll cast some frigid blonde
But there’s this other girl he really wants,
But she’s a servant girl and he’s a prince.
He runs away and hangs around in bars
He holds his liquor well and glasses too.
This one old sailor type takes him aside
And says he’s off the path, this ain’t for him
And tells the guy he needs to go to sea.
He books a trip on this big-ass ocean liner
That sinks, and while it’s going down, that guy,
The same old guy, appears and tells him how
He’s destined to become the chosen one
Gives him a talisman, tells him to go.
And once he hits the water, man, he flies
He’s in his element, ’cause he’s part shark.
And then his dad shows up, the cyborg shark
And tells his kid how he came back in time
And has a mission from the Vatican
To kill whoever bears the talisman
’Cause there’s some ancient secret could get loose.
They raid the coast, searching the ships they sink
Until they sink the ship his girl is on,
The servant girl, the one he really wants.
His dad thinks she should die, he disagrees
He beats his dad and gets the girl, but then
With his last breath, the cyborg shark reveals
He always knew he had the talisman
And tried to keep him safe because he knew
The Vatican had sent more cyborgs back
And they will never stop until they have
The talisman and kill the chosen one.
We end the movie there and start the buzz
For a TV show. The show could run for years.
So tell me what you think and don’t hold back.
Now hold on just a minute, think it through –
How dare you sir? That’s just ridiculous.
This show is nothing like that anime.
Our talking shark’s a cyborg. Theirs just talks.